If you have the will and desire to do something, then just do it. Don’t listen to negative self-talk or negative talk from other people. Take those first small steps, then when you feel comfortable take another and then another until you reach your goal. JAN ASHE

Jan Ashe is relatively new to farming. After growing up in the city and spending ten years in Jindabyne, she moved with her three children and husband Steve to a 1000 acre sheep and cropping property in the small community of Tullamore, 125 km south-west of Dubbo. Jan is courageously sharing her personal story of living with bipolar disorder in the hope of helping and educating others. Jan aims to remove the stigma associated with mental illness and wants people to think of mental illness as ‘similar to diabetes, where people sometimes go downhill for a short time and then get "things" adjusted to get back on track again. People don’t need to be locked up; they just have an illness in their head rather than in their body’. After many challenging years Jan is now much more in control of her illness and leads a fulfilling and productive life learning about agriculture, raising a family, working part-time and dabbling in the arts.

What gave you the motivation/inspiration to follow your dream?

When I moved out here I felt really isolated. Finding a good GP was an important starting point. We have a psychologist who comes to town every two weeks, and I see her regularly. A real ‘lifesaver’ for me has been the BlueBoard online support group, which has been inspirational and given me the courage to share my story. The online group is run by the Australian National University in Canberra and is open to anyone who can’t get to a support group or doesn’t want to go to a support group. We are all anonymous although some of us have become friends and email each other direct. It is a ‘bulletin board’, so you can choose which topics interest you at a time that suits you. It is fantastic for people like me who live in isolated places and we even have people logging in from the UK, New Zealand and Canada.

Bipolar used to be known as ‘manic depression’. To understand what it is like, try to imagine a set of evenly balanced scales. People with bipolar can get really low and the scale tips down towards depression. When I am low I feel everything is hopeless and worthless and I would rather stay curled up in bed all day not eating, drinking or speaking to anyone. On the flip side, when the scales tip up, people can become ‘manic’ or really, really productive. At these times I usually become very creative and set out to do mammoth tasks such as totally redecorating the sunroom in one day or, as I do more often now, indulge in oil painting which has turned into a real passion.

At what point did you realise that your dream was actually possible and what was it that made you think you could really do it?

In 2004 I wrote an article about my illness for the Rural Women’s Network newsletter, The Country Web. I was ‘blown away’ when it was published, and it gave me more confidence to keep going. One of my friends in the online support group questioned why I was putting myself ‘out there’, exposing myself to people who may know me. I now have the confidence to say it doesn’t matter because this is who I am. I am a mother, a farmer, an artist and a wife, and I just happen to have bipolar as well. This is only a part of who I am, it’s not all of me. I know that a number of women in my small community read The Country Web and no one has said anything strange to me yet, but it seems to have unlocked the topic with people wanting to talk more about mental health issues, depression in particular.

When you were a child, what did you want to ‘be’ when you grew up?

I wanted to be a window dresser, a fashion designer, or work in an office pushing buttons.

How did your childhood influence you in later life?

My parents have been a huge influence in my life. They told me I could do anything and I believed them. If someone says to me that I can’t do something, it is like a red rag to a bull and I do it just to prove that I can. I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 14. Those teenage years were a real struggle—as if just being a teenager wasn’t hard enough! Many of the medications had awful side effects which didn’t help my self-esteem. Trying to find ones that were right for me took a while and still today rearranging my medications is necessary at times.

I know my parents did the best they could with what was available at the time.

Who are your role models?

I really admire women who overcome an adversity such as a disability or coping with drought and hardship, and those amazing suffragettes who stood up and said we should all be counted and treated equally.

What does success mean to you?

I like to set goals and achieve them. Raising my children is the number one thing for me. Getting positive feedback also helps me to feel successful. Getting other people’s opinions on my artworks is important. I get a real buzz when people say positive things about them and especially when I sell one—that makes me feel successful.

Farming is a new venture for us so I am learning all the time. I can drive the tractor so I help with the cultivation, sowing and harvesting, and I’m always learning more about sheep—I love it! Being financially rewarded would also be nice but I don’t think that happens easily in farming.

What has been one of the biggest barriers you have had to face, what happened, and how did you overcome it?

Overcoming labels. Being diagnosed as bipolar really knocked my self-confidence to the ground and I believed the unkind things that people were telling me—things like ‘you will never get a good job’, ‘nobody will want you’, and so on. I now more fully understand the tightrope I walk, and moving out here and starting a fresh life and a new marriage has really helped. Last year when the Women’s Gathering was being held in Coonabarabran, I said ‘I’m going’ and off I went, taking a friend with me. My confidence has grown thanks to the wonderful support I get from my husband, family and others.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? What is your vision for the future?

I have lots of goals. I want to share my experiences and educate people about mental illness from the inside. It doesn’t have to mean the end of the world. I see it as an illness in my head rather than in my body, and with the right treatment I am turning my dreams into reality. I’d also like to be on a mental-health-related board or committee and perhaps influence decision making.

I hope I’ll still be here farming in 10 years. I would like to have a go at sculpting with all the scrap metal lying around the farm. I don’t know how to weld yet, but I will learn. Having my art increasingly being recognised as being saleable and of good quality would be nice too.

What would you like to say to other women who may be just starting out on a ‘Daring to Dream’ journey?

I’m in control of my bipolar now rather than the other way around. I know it is a part of what makes me who I am. If you have the will and desire to do something, then just do it. Don’t listen to negative self-talk or negative talk from other people. Ask questions—it costs nothing. Take those first small steps, then when you feel comfortable take another and then another until you reach your goal.